Ask Blog Allah

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 11

2005-05-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

Christopher Rutt whines...
Whoa!!! Wait a minute!!! I don't have a problem with JD, and I have never had sex with a fat chick! I was merely asking why BA has made JD in such a way that makes people do stoopid things! I love JD. BA, why did you make ME have QUITE the tolerance for JD???

Thank you, oh Thank you BA!

Blog Allah Booms...
Because I can.. you're welcome.

Blog Jesus Booms...
Dear Quitter,

In all honesty I could give a fuck who you are, I just want to hear you say "MPH broke me and I am a useless piece of trash." How soon can I expect that to happen?

Blog Allah Booms...
Never.

Citizen_Williams queries...
Sup BA
How much does free time cost??

Blog Allah Booms...
Black ski mask: $5.84
Black sneakers: $43.89
Plane ticket to Indianapolis: $213.99
Me sneaking into Blog Jesus' house and pissing on his rug: priceless.
Free time to do it all: $0

-G.D. asks...
Dear BA,

I heard that your blog may be closing soon. Did Blog Jesus win his battle?

Blog Allah Booms...
Yes.. it is.

The battle to stop touching himself inappropriately every time Jennifer Garner's name is mentioned? No, and he never will.

-G.D. said...
Dear Blog Allah,

Give us all a fucking break.

Blah, blah, blah!!

Blog Allah Booms...
Ok..

sojourning crow said...
you're quitting already??!! I was preaching the gospel of Blog Allah and he goes and quits!!

No faith in deity, it's the Atheism Bowl for me.

I am guessing that you are... Lenny Bruce, and my Uncle Frank, both very talented and pissed their talent away because they were too scared to face the day.

Or you could be Kato Kaylin, one, big, pussy.

Blog Allah sighs...
Yes. I'm quitting and yes.. it's me, your Uncle Frank.

Swayer the Player asks...
So you're giving up, huh? It was obviously only a matter of time. Blog Jesus wins again!

Blog Allah Booms...
Blog Jesus never wins.. he's just loses in a postive kind of way.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! It's me, Jim. This blog was/is a joke.. and now that joke is over. Goodbye. Praise be to Blog Jesus.

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 10

2005-05-10T22:35:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Citizen_Williams asks...
dear BA
1) the guy from yesterday who has a problem with JD can take it up with me!!
2) Why did Bill Hicks have to die??

Blog Allah Booms...
1) Point taken...
2) He hated America so much the Republicans had to kill him and 'cancer' was the cover story.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! This blog sucks.. I'm going to reveal my secret identity soon and quit. This joke has been going on for far too long and it's way too much work. Who wants to guess who I am?

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 9

2005-05-09T23:11:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Christopher Rutt asks...
Oh Blog Allah,

Since you are creator of all, why oh why did you create Jack Daniels? And, why did you create the idea of doing lots of shots of them? And finally, why did you create the hangover?

Blog Allah Booms...
I created Jack Daniels because it is awesome.
I created the idea of doing lots of shots of Jack Daniels because how else would fat chicks get laid?
I created the hangover to be a painful reminder of just how awesome Jack Daniels is and also as a slap in the face for sleeping with fat chicks.

-G.D. said...
Dear BA,

Is Kris really psychic??

If so, can you ask Kris what I'm thinking right now??

Thanks!

Blog Allah Booms...
I can assure you that Kris does not have psychic powers.

No, but I can tell you what Kris is thinking about right now and it involves stuffed ponies, marmalade, patent leather, and sodomy.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! Believe me when I tell you that you really don't want to know what the stuffed ponies are used for.

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 8

2005-05-08T15:43:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

He said...
BA,

Was there ever really a man from Nantucket? And if so, was it really so long he could suck it? And if so, didn't he think that maybe he should keep that little tid bit to himself?

Blog Allah Booms...
Yes times three and that man is me.

squawk said...
Hey Blog Allah
If the Dalai Lama and Pope Benedict were challenged to a cage fight WWE style, who will you root for as the winner?

Blog Allah Booms...
I think I would root for The Dalai Lama, but if you're asking who would win.. I would say Il Papa, but only because he would fight dirty and use that incense thing as a mace.

Citizen_Williams said...
to add to squawk hell in the cell, with none of the popes nazi body gaurds.

Blog Allah Booms...
Shit.. well maybe if it was a fair fight The Dalai Lama could win, but only if he could summons the power of The Beastie Boys.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! A Tibetan Freedom concert joke! SHAZAM!

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 7

2005-05-06T12:38:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Citizen_Williams asks...
dear BA

so being a god like type figure you've got the whole 'omni' prefix thing yeah???
do you really know everything??

Blog Allah Booms...
Yes. Not only am I omnipotent, omniscient, and omnimedia I'm also omni-awesome.
Yes. I do know everything or at the very least I know more than Blog Jesus, which isn't difficult to achieve.

-G.D. asks...
Dear BA,

I admire your sense of style.

I'm going to NYC this weekend. What should I wear Friday night? I'm going out on a hot date.

Blog Allah Booms...
Please refer to Anonymous below.

Anonymous states correctly...
@-g.d.
if the date is that hot, dont wear anything.

Blog Allah Booms, Again...
Right on.

Brent said...
Dear BA,

Is Robert Townshend currently in litigation with you over your copyright infringement on the "Meteor Man" character?

Blog Allah Booms...
My team of lawyers already took care of that problem. Next time you see a homeless guy collecting change with more plastic bags than teeth.. it's probably Robert Townshend.

Mandolin asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Who would win in a fight between you and Blog Jesus? And why would that person win over the other?

Blog Jesus answers...
I got this one Blah

Why it would be Blog Jesus of course. Mostly because I have seen Rocky IV too many times and no matter how sucky a movie that one is, it is still better than all the House Party's combined.

Blog Allah Chimes In...
I'm sorry but even Rocky couldn't defeat the power of Kid's verticle afro.

Citizen_Williams asks...
Also BA

the war on iraq, how you feelin after your religeon got its ass kicked(also the crusades)

Blog Allah Booms...
Actually we kicked your ass in the crusades. Take the peasant crusade for example.. now that was awesome. I've never seen so many dead homeless guys in all my life. As far as Baghdad my source tells me the infidels are committing suicide at the walls of the city.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! "We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid" (dramatic pause) "and they are condemned." - Unnamed Inside Source

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 6

2005-05-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

James asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

What is your opinion on burkahs?

Blog Allah Booms...
Let me set the record straight once and for all. I had nothing to do with those things and you can rest assured that the guy that did invent them.. got a hell of a smiting. Blog Allah loves breasts - plain and simple.

mark asks...
dear blog allah, is it further to st louis or by bus?

Blog Allah Booms...
Mark... you seem to not be a big fan of complete sentences. So I suggest you visit Heightened Thoughts... I think it's right up your alley.

MPH asks...
Blah,

Why do I keep coming back here?

Blog Allah Booms...
Guilt. For stealing my idea before I had it.

Don't worry though.. you'll be hearing from my crack team of lawyers.

-G.D. asks...
Dear B.A.,

Do you think Blog Jesus will get jealous if I ask you questions? Did you do this blog to get back at Jesus? What did Jesus ever do to you? Can Allah have sex? Jesus claims to be celibate. What are your views on feminism. Do you have a mother?

Blog Allah Booms...
Yes.
No.
He helped me move furniture last weekend.
Hell yes. Is that a proposition?
Oh he's definitely celibate... celibate by circumstance but not by choice. In other words.. he couldn't even get sex from The Whore of Babylon.
I'm totally down with feminism! Burn a burka!
Yes. Her name is Pam.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! I'm playing poker with Blog Buddha tonight...

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 5

2005-05-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Mandar asks...
Dear Blog Allah,
Where did you get the idea of starting this blog from? How did u conceive this unique idea of posting answers to questions posted as comments?

Blog Allah Booms...
Right after I invented fish I thought it up... but then Blog Jesus stole the idea from me.

Citizen_Williams asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Which is the true faith??
Was Jesus a chick?
What was score at the end of world war one??

Blog Allah Booms...
The one true faith is, of course, scientology. I converted last year and they gave me a complimentary copy of Battlefield Earth. I never knew cavemen could fly airplanes.
Yes Jesus is a chick.. and a fat chick at that. You can learn more about the fat chick that calls herself Jesus at Ask Blog Jesus.
I don't remember the final score but Germany totally got their ass kicked.

Throne777 asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Are you aware of any theological inconsistancies in your holy scriptures?
Jesus is seen as a prophet but he may not have even existed, does that bother you?
What is PHI?
What is PI to 300 decimal places?
Isn't it blasphemous to claim to be Allah?

Blog Allah Booms...
Yes. Blame it on my editor.
She definitely exists.. every last fat inch of her.
P.enis H.as I.tch? I don't know you got Allah on that one.
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169
39937510582097494459230781640628620899862803
48253421170679821480865132823066470938446095
50582231725359408128481117450284102701938521
1055596446229489549303819
Wait.. are you saying I'm not Allah? Because that is blasphemous.

Christopher Rutt asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Why are the Yankees suckin' ass so far this season?

Thank you Blog Allah!

Blog Allah Booms...
My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer this question without Jeopardizing my friends, my family, or myself. I intend to follow their advice.

MPH asks...
Blah

Before I ask a question let me tell Mandar to go to askblogjesus.blogspot.com. His question will be answered there.

How soon before I smite your ass?

Blog Allah Booms...
Bring it on sucka!

sojourning crow asks...
when it comes to stewed prunes, are 3 too few or 4 too many??

Blog Allah Booms...
Such a fine line isn't it. Hmm.. I suggest having three and a half and then calling it a day.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! Mind bendingly difficult questions today, but answered perfectly. Well.. six questions and 3.5 stewed prunes later - I'm ready to relax for a while.

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 4

2005-05-02T22:23:00.001-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Dusti asks...
Dear Blog Allah,
Whassssssssssup?

Blog Allah Booms...
My foot in someone's ass if you or anyone else asks that question again.

L.M. asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Mohamed Ali or Mike Tyson?

Blog Allah Booms...
That depends on the fight.. if it's a true boxing match then I'm going with Ali, but if it's street rules and ear biting is a "Go", well then it's Tyson 100%.

Mmmm face tatoos.

sojourning crow asks...
Dear Blog Allah:

I work with Infidels and I want to sew their mouths shut but I am out of thread, what should I do??

Blog Allah Booms...
Ever hear of a stapler? Man.. get with the times.

James asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Blog Jesus is like a hundred times cooler than you'll ever be.. knowing that.. do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Blog Allah Booms...
I don't sleep anyway, kid. But the truth is, Blog Jesus isn't cooler than me... 6 Bajillion muslims agree: I'm way cooler than Jesus.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! Mecca lecca high Mecca high hiney ho!

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 3

2005-05-02T02:04:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Allah. And now I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Pop's asks...

Ballah,

I fear my spirit has been broken by the mere existence of this site.

Can you suggest a way to mend it that doesn't involve praying 5 times a day or blowing myself up? I'm sort of on a schedule. Thanks.

Blog Allah Booms...
Allow me to introduce you to a wonderful substance we in the industry refer to as, "alcohol." If you drink enough of it this site is actually funny.

I suggest Schlitz.. it's the beer that made Milwaukee famous for Christ's sake.

James asks...

Dear Blog Allah,

What ever happened to Corey Haim?

Blog Allah Booms...

A crack pipe happened.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! You stupid infidels- bring the questions already! Blog Allah is here to help!

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 2

2005-05-01T01:30:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Anonymous asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

If train A is traveling 160-mph from Dallas/Ft. Worth and train B is traveling at 40-mph from Providence, Rhode Island - then why haven't I gotten laid since last April?

Blog Allah Booms...
Because you're too busy formulating elaborate mathematical story problems when you should be hiring prostitutes.

MPH asks...
Dear Blah,

Why are you so blatantly ripping off the genius that is "Ask Blog Jesus"?

Blog Allah Booms...
Why are you so blatantly ripping off the genius that is "Ask Blog Allah"?

Brent asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Can you change your appearance at will?

If so, could you change into a Hip-hop genie ala Shaq in the cinematic masterpiece known as "Shazam!"

Also, could you beat up Willy Ames?

Blog Allah Booms...
Of course I can.

No, but I can change you into a hip-hop genie and drop you in the middle of Compton.

I'm sorry I can't do that, but I can have his hand cut off.

Blog Kris asks...
What is your general opinion of Pops?

Blog Allah Booms...
Generally I like him better than you.

HFB asks...
What the hell is wrong with you, and how did I manage to get sucked into this vortex of madness?

Also, would Vortex of Madness be a better name for a rock group or a feminine hygiene product?

Blog Allah Booms...
There's nothing wrong with me, I just refilled my prescriptions yesterday.

By vortex of madness I have to assume you mean your parent's basement and you're only 'getting sucked into' it because you most likely don't have a job.. or a girlfriend.

Vortex of Madness wouldn't be a good name for either of those things, but it would be a good name for a carnival ride that was well known for it's ability to induce vomiting.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim! Allah is never fatigued by administrating matters of the Universe. He needs no sleep. Busy always. Unlike some other blog deities.

Wa 'Alaikum As-Salam, Day 1

2005-04-30T01:47:00.000-05:00

Infidels, you infidels, you silly infidels, you silly, silly infidels. I shall answer your useless questions and put you down where you belong:

Kris asks...
Dear Blog Allah,

Why didn't you just create an account called "Blog Jesus" and add it as an administrator to Ask Blog Jesus, then remove MPH?

Allah Booms...
If I did that then he won't come over and help me move furniture today... do you think Blog Allah is an idiot? Because he isn't.

Pops asks...
Asalaam alaikum!

Hey, what's the difference between Halal and Kosher food? I mean besides the fact that they hate each other?

Allah Booms...
The Kosher foods are living on stolen Halal shelf space and they know it.

__________________________
Sadaqallahul 'Azim!

Assalamu alaikum

2005-04-28T22:58:00.000-05:00

I have to move some furniture this Saturday. I was thinking about buying a six pack, re-arranging the couch a couple times, and then just drinking until I fall asleep... like every other damned weekend.

Ask me a question if you want.. I'm more likely to respond if the question rhymes and is relatively obscure in it's meaning.

Actually that's bullshit. You can ask me what to feed your cat if you want - I don't really give a rats ass.